It's all about....what?

I seem to have a habit of going long periods of time without reading much of anything, then completely bindging on 2 or 3 books all at the same time. Right now, I am in such a phase. The books on the table (or rather, in my hands) are "Deep Nutrition", "Backyard Homestead" and "The Social Animal". Not even remotely related to one another, yet there they are.

"Deep Nutrition" and "Backyard Homestead" are MY typical types of book; nutrition/health and Do-It-Yourselfer (I decided that's a word, so no nit-picking). "The Social Animal," however, is a book Kie heard about on OPB and then picked up at our local Barnes and Noble. Yes, yes, we are Heathens, I know. This particular book has been quite intriguing and flat-out eye opening for me. There is fascinating data and research and it's written in a most engaging way, covering human development and psychology from conception through retirement (I'm only up to the high-school part though). However, it all points to a very simple conclusion (Don't worry, I'm not spoiling the book)...It's ALL about relationships! We are social at our very cores and everything subconscious, points us towards and into relationships with others.

To my husband, this truth is somewhat intuitive. To me, it's groundbreaking! If you ask me what I'm good at, I could spout off an impressive list: athletics, sewing, baking, organizing, getting stuff done, wood-working, yard work, math, drawing, thinking (I am an excellent thinker : )....However, my absolute weakest link is relationships! The thing that has ailed me most, all the way back through childhood is relationships; friendships.

Sure, I could name a few "best" friends over the years, but my "best" friend always had a closer friend. In highschool, I was proud of the fact that I didn't need to go out on Friday nights, but was perfectly content to stay home in the midst of my own company or babysit and earn a few extra dollars. It's a good thing I played sports or I probably wouldn't have made any friends in highschool at all.

Now, once I got to college, I was much, much more mature and knew that I was there to learn and there would be no "childish" goofing around. I wasn't interested in flirting, immature girly drama and certainly not partying (even the Christian type). Instead, I faithfully attended my classes and church's Thursday night prayer and skipped the study groups and "Friends" get togethers and house dances. I wasn't snotty (I don't think), most people seemed to like me, I was quite pleasant and ready to help, but when it came to me, I just didn't need anyone else.

Not much changed after the first year of college. I finished my freshmen year and left school to spend a summer in Mexico, serving at a mission. After I came back I spent a year interning at my home church, learning about ministry, serving and teaching. Next summer, I was proud to call myself Mrs. Bondurant and my life's ambition was nearly satisfied. The only thing missing were all the sweet babies I had my heart set on.

That's where it all seemed to fall apart; when I started (and didn't stop) having babies. Why? It was what I always wanted to do! To be a mother.
I had been thinking about it since I was a young girl and now, it was my dream come true...only, it was more like a nightmare! Other mothers I would talk to, would swoon and say, "Oh, aren't you just so in love?" "Doesn't he just melt your heart?" I would respond "correctly" of course and say, "yes!" But, inside I was thinking how terrible I must be to be the only mother out there that isn't gaga over her sweet child. I was tired! I felt ugly! I felt rejected! I felt fear!
Yes, there were moments of delight and joy. This little bundle could put a smile on my face, but I wasn't smitten. I was committed. It wasn't a feeling. It was a CHOICE. This was my child and I was going to do everything that was responsible and right. Feelings or not.

Over the years, life has progressed, adding one, two, then three more children, with hardly a chance to breathe in between, but I wasn't going to be beat! My hearts cry was that I wouldn't just say I survived (though that is still impressive in itself), but that we THRIVED. That I learned to love, and enjoy and laugh and relax...But despite even my best efforts. Life remained more or less, the same.
So, what gives? What am I missing?

RELATIONSHIPS...All my life I used smarts and skill and hard work to get anywhere. I never learned how to build true, below the surface, relationships. If there is one thing that might be the most important thing I've learned/still learning, is that our life is ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!

God created humankind to have a RELATIONSHIP with us and then sent His only son when the future of that relationship was at stake! I have spouted Christianeeze my whole life and never truly known what a relationship with God really meant or quite frankly, how to do it.
Now, I've seen His power, felt His present, worshiped Him with all my heart, and followed His directing, but a RELATIONSHIP is even more than that.

It's more than me, just carrying my children in my womb. More than giving birth to them. More than feeding them daily, clothing them, teaching them, training them...it's KNOWING them. Seeing their hearts and responding. To joy, celebration! To imagination, awe! To confusion, insight! To pain, comfort! To fear, courage! To hope, support! To trials, strength! To defeat, encouragement!
What a beautiful picture that would be! A perfect song!
(Now, don't start to think I have all or even any of this figured out...it was just coming to me, only as I wrote it)

Up until this point, I have kept many areas of myself guarded. Reserved. Perhaps there is so much more than just "doing the RIGHT thing."

Perhaps it's All about RELATIONSHIPS!
Something, I have A LOT to learn about!

Boys!

Just recently, it has dawned on me that I have BOYS! Full blooded, God-designed boys!


Now, you may be wondering why I didn't notice this before? I wouldn't consider myself slow, per say, just a bit hard-headed, stubborn perhaps.


See, when I was a little girl (and even as a "big" girl), I have envisioned this wonderful life of domestic bliss. Baking (in an adorable apron), house beautiful, laundry neatly folded and back in drawers and on hangers, a fruitful garden adorned with flowers here and there, sewing projects in the making and so on.


RrRRR-EEEK. My real life


Dirty dishes in the sink, hair unwashed, dinner on the table about an hour too late, scuff-marks on the walls, mud tracks through the house, science experiments in the bathroom sink, pee on the bathroom floor. Pee. Pee. Everywhere! Children climbing on stools, tables, counters, railing, couches and jumping off as well. The sound of running and laughing and sword fighting at 7:00 in the morning. Little hands in the cupboards and fridge and pantry...less than 30 min after a meal! Make believe adventures, jumping on the trampoline for hours, dragons and knights and cowboys. Ninjas, warriors, princes, hero's. Hitting, punching, kicking wrestling, yelling! Broken toys, broken windows, broken keepsakes. Lots and LOTS of things Broken! This is the life of boys!


Up until recently, I have been fighting stubbornly for MY domestic bliss. Trying to force these WILD creatures into my expectations of order and peace and FEMININITY. My dear sister-in-law had mentioned to me that every 20 min or so, while doing school, she will devise some physical task for her boys to do: run around the yard 5x's, do 20 push-ups, jumping jacks, sit-ups...anything to get their bodies moving. After she told me this, all I wanted to do was to plop myself down with my bottom lip stuck out and pout, "But I don't want to do that. It's too much work!" As if I was having so much fun otherwise.

Back in the good ol' days (a.k.a. when things were perfect...because we weren't actually there), boys would go to work with their dads. If he was a farmer, in the fields. If he was a chimney sweep, a cobbler, an inn-keeper, his son would follow and learn and work. We don't exactly have a culture that supports that, so I'm just going to have to do the best I can. Now I have NO intentions of trying to teach my boys MAN stuff...I will still leave that up to Kiely. But, I can be flexible. I can get dirty, I can play make-believe, I can be forgiving when things get broken, I can send them down the street and back if they just can't sit still (and even run with them sometimes). I can let them do the "fun" part to baking and housework, like pushing the buttons and carrying the oh-so-heavy laundry baskets and deciding exactly what goodie to bake for dessert night, and then letting them lick the beaters. I can teach them to be gentlemen and how to treat ladies, but give them the freedom to MOVE and PLAY and INVENT, even if it messes up my domestic ideal.


I can not only accept it. I can EMBRACE it.


The God-given life that is constantly BOUNDING out of my boys


To God be the glory...and to this momma. GRACE!


Climbing...
Hungry, hungry boys.

life's just a little more fun...upside down

ALL of my boys

Gotta love a shiner

Brothers...Dude!

Can I lick it? Please!

School!

If you don't know what to be...just be EVERYTHING!

Some would say, "dangerous"...To Gabe, it's the only way to carve a pumpkin.

mmmmm. Chocolate.

MY BOYS!

100 Things...

This is per Lindsey's request...Have to admit, I've had some fun thinking about it though!
Here goes.
100 Things about me:
1. I wiggle my toes when I am physically uncomfortable or in pain.
2. I love African tribal music
3. I have a buried passion to lead worship from the keyboard
4. Being a full-time missionary in a 3rd world country sound exciting and fulfilling to me!
5. I have always (and always will) drink whole milk!
6. I enjoy movies that display what I call, "epic masculinity". Such as Gladiator and Lord of the Rings
7. I try to avoid watching any rated "R" movies.
8. I was my current height of 6' at age 13.
9. I just realized this year that my favorite kind of pie is blackberry.
10. Since I was about 8 years old, I always had strawberry-rhubarb pie for my birthday instead of cake.
11. I dislike brushing my teeth.
12. I love the colors red and green (not necessarily together...)
13. I don't like to carry a purse, and rarely do.
14. I spend money when I shouldn't.
15. It's a good thing I don't have a credit card.
16. Snakes completely creep me out.
17. I want to live in a house with a view.
18. My dream house is neither small nor large, has the perfect amount of storage and space, no unnecessary rooms (like formal and informal) and makes people feel "at home" when they walk in! Of course this is just a generalization. I have the actual plans of about 3 houses drawn up.
19. When I get stressed out, I organize and take things to goodwill.
20. I have no problem using power tools.
21. I love woodworking and dream of making furniture for my home.
22. I am a perfectionist and impatient at the same time...makes for interesting results sometimes.
23. I taught myself how to sew when I was in elementary school. I'm still learning the "right" way to do certain things.
24. I enjoy creating and making things.
25. I have a constant desire to buy a complete "fixer" and remodel it top to bottom and I think I would enjoy doing the work!
26. Kiely is "hands down", my favorite person to talk to.
27. He makes me laugh more than anyone else.
28. I met him in high school and he was my first kiss and only boyfriend!
29. I have a fear of deep, natural waters.
30. I got stung by a jelly fish on my honeymoon. In not so deep, but tropical, water.
31. Being a mother has been harder than I expected it to be.
32. If I could make a wish, it would to be to always be content, no matter my circumstances.
33. I am ticklish on my collarbone.
34. My height has made me uncomfortable most of my life.
35. I have only had one immunization shot in my life (for food Hep).
36. I have been to Zimbabwe and Zambia, Africa and seen the Victoria Falls.
37. I am a size 9 shoe.
38. I want to paint my dining chairs green.
39. I am constantly trying to do approximately 5 things at once.
40. I get scared easily.
41. I daydream about being a professional ballerina.
42. I like watching people.
43. I like quilts...they feel down to earth, creative, and beautiful to me.
44. I am not technologically savvy.
45. I don't like not knowing what I'm doing.
46. I tend to be controlling...even more so when things are out of control.
47. When I had my third son, I was overcome with an amazing sense of adventure!
48. I dislike it when people comment, "So, you finally got your girl!" I want to come up with a small response that conveys that I loved having my boys just as much! (any suggestions : )
49. I am the 7th of 13 full-blooded siblings.
50. I USED to think I would have 7-9 children. Emphasize, USED to!
51. I love being part of a big family.
52. I have always considered adopting a child.
53. I think that carpet and children are a sadistic combination.
54. I would like to have a milking goat some day.
55. Making things from scratch gives me a simple sense of satisfaction.
56. Though we try not to eat them, I love baking cakes and goodies.
57. My least favorite part of being a mother is all the food prep!
58. I am terrible at getting laundry folded and put away.
59. I have to constantly remind myself to stop "doing" and spend time with people.
60. I am uncomfortable talking with "aquaintences"...I avoid my neighbors to some extent.
61. I have never had trouble with my weight, but my belly is completely hashed from having babies.
62. The Pacific Northwest will always feel like home to me.
63. Surprisingly, this list is really long and I'm barely half over.
64. I have always thought that I will grey gracefully.
65. I think my feet are beautiful.
66. Even though I was a 4yr varsity starter in soccer, I think I would have made a fantastic volleyball player!
67. I can't decide exactly what clothing style is "mine".
68. I have been going through a mis-match stage lately...perhaps a reflection of the chaos in my life. : )
69. I am not afraid to take on projects I've never done before.
70. I often take up new projects before I finish previous ones...trying not to do that.
71. I am also quite good at biting off more than I can chew.
72. I'm too self-conscious to dance in front of other people, but could dance, on my own, for hours.
73. I like math...especially algebra!
74. I am a deep thinker and somewhat of an introvert...not completely though, I just need to have time alone regularly.
75. I Love to eat ice-cream!
76. Hugging and saying, "I love you" are not "natural" for me.
77. I try to be affectionate with my children. I have to be intentional about it though or it doesn't happen.
78. I feel super cute and domestic when I wear aprons.
79. I learned how to ride a two-wheeled bike when I was 3.
80. I am trying to learn about and grow enough herbs to treat my families ailments effectively
81. I love cheese. Espcially ones with sharp or full flavor...don't particularly care for mild cheeses.
82. I make about 4-6 quarts of yogurt each week...and we eat it all!
83. I almost always return library books and movie rentals late.
84. I believe God's order in the home if for wives to submit to their husbands and I have found much more peace when doing so.
85. I am generally a pretty stubborn and hard-headed person.
86. To put it nicely, I could be described as persistent. ; )
87. I do my best not to hold grudges.
88. I am often quick to jump to conclusions.
89. Gabriel, my middle son is the most like me.
90. I want to build a house someday.
91. I want to put a root cellar in said house.
92. I hold my convictions very firmly.
93. I read and treat The Bible as God's infallible, written Word.
94. I tend to over analyze things.
95. I love breastfeeding.
96. I like to wear skirts, the fuller the better!
97. I think real wood burning fireplaces are divine.
98. I almost organized this list by categories.
99. I love the smell of "Christmas trees"
100. I would like to get a tattoo that symbolizes worship and dancing...perhaps for my 30th birthday!

Phew! Okay then. There you go. Anything suprise you or you didn't know?
Now I want to hear your list!!!

Sooo Much To Do...

"O, SO much ter do
SO much ter be done!
The work’s NEVER through
An the work AINT MUCH FUN.

NO THANKS fer yer labor
No pay fer the job"
Jest "What’s fer supper?"
"How bout corn-on-da-cob?"

Ya mop an ya sweep,
Ya dust an ya shine
Then turn around
And WHAT do ya find?

His shoes on the FLOOR,
His coat on the chair,
His REAR in the couch,
An his feet in the air!!
...

So ya KICK off yer shoes
An ya THROW DOWN yer broom"
An ya wink at yer ole man
SO HE'LL MAKE YA SOME ROOM

This is why Ma and Pa have been married 25 years."
(Mountain Ma And Pa~by Rebekah Pearl 1991 *emphasis added)

The work may never be done...So don't forget to STOP and have FUN!

"A CHEERFUL heart is GOOD medicine,
but a CRUSHED spirit dries up the bones"
Proverbs 17:22

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not As It Seems

Sometimes (or rather ALL the time), I really wish I didn't concern myself so much with what other think...or more likely, what I think others are thinking. While I think I have come a long way since highschool (Praise the Lord ; ), I still have a ways to go. Just for liberation sake, here are a few things I will PROUDLY post...that I usually try to cover up:

Picking my nose!
Okay, so I know EVERYONE must do this, but I still try a cover-up nose rub or whatever if caught in the act : )-

Letting my kids eat food that's fallen on the ground!
Honestly, I think their ROBUST immune systems can handle it!

Letting my house get ridiculously OUT-OF-CONTROL!
For some insane reason, I seem to want others to think my house is always neat and tidy...ITS NOT!

I stay in my pajamas and super scraggly hair until about 3 o'clock MOST days!

If there were no two ways about it, I would TOTALLY get an epidural!

My children take baths about once a week...IF I'm on top of it!

I let my boys pee outside, on the side of the road and in the backs of parking lots ALL the time!

I pee in the shower...oops, don't tell!

I like to tell people I did crew at Oregon State (so they'll think I'm SUPER cool), but that's only part true...I never finished the season. Lame-I know!

If left alone...I can eat a very UNHEALTHY amount of ice-cream, brownies or pie! Yum!

SOOO, now that you know a little more about the HIDDEN ME...Can we still be friends? *wink, and a smile*

Love. Like. Delight. Joy. Enjoy. Cherish. Love. Love. Love. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.
LOVE.

I want to love my children. I don’t just want to be their “trainer”, their teacher, their food preparer, clothes washer…I want to honestly, genuinely, AFFECTIONATELY LOVE my children. To DELIGHT in their uniqueness, to HURT in their sorrows, to join in their PLAY…

And yet, I feel like my day is so filled and focused on the tasks of life. Get dressed. Eat breakfast. Clear the table. Make them do chores (after all, they need to be responsible!). Keep them busy while I do MY chores. Discipline. Correct. Train. Say, “No!” so they are not spoiled (besides, it’s “good” for them). Feed them. Put them to bed. Start again.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with this…it’s missing my heart. My affection! My DELIGHT.

“For the LORD delights in the son whom he LOVES!”

Somewhere along the line, I have lost my delight in motherhood. My LOVE! Instead it has turned into a task…a chore.

Lord, renew my heart. Rekindle the JOY of mothering. That our days would be filled with LAUGHTER, DANCING, CHILDLIKE pleasure, COMMUNION, with shared sorrows…I often pray for change in my children…now I pray for a change in ME. That I could lead them in the OVERWHELMING JOY and ADVENTURE of knowing the God of this universe, Savior, and LOVER of our souls!

CHANGE ME ~ I PRAY!

Selah Marie Louise

She's Here!!!
Selah Marie Louise
8lbs 1oz, 20.5"
Friday, June 10th

Our Story:

Thursday 4am: Got woken up with contractions and was losing my mucous plug! Yahoo!
6am: Told Kiely I was having contractions...He said, "Oh, I better get some more sleep then!" and rolled back over. : )
8am: Kie stayed home from work....
And NOTHING!
10pm: Mom/Midwife came and stayed the night...just in-case : )

Friday 3am: Woken up by contractions again!
8am: Sent Kiely to work...embarrassed he had to tell his boss we STILL hadn't had our baby!

11am: Friend Amie came with her 7month old son Zander (so cute)
Ate lunch and sent the boys out to play.
Chatted with mom and Amie, relaxed during contractions. (about 10 min apart)
4pm: Contractions were about 5 min apart on average and lasting around 90sec. We were still chatting though, I felt pretty good during the contractions and I didn't want to get excited too soon.
My mom told me to call Kie and have him come home...I was hesitant since he had stayed home the day before with no baby, but mom knows best!
5pm: Took a shower and spent some quiet time relaxing. Then Kie showed up.
Next hour and a half I spent walking, relaxing, rocking and resting my arms on the sink or bed during contractions and just letting my belly hang down. Probably the BEST pain relief I've experienced during labor. In between, I was still able to chat and "hang out".
6:30: The mother instinct must have set in, because I really wanted my older boys to come in from playing and just have everyone close...even though I still didn't think I was super close. I was still pretty comfortable.
7pm: No more chatting, no more "relief" during contractions! My mom had to get me refocused and talk me through relaxing and breathing through my belly...even though I didn't want to. IT HURT! I got to lean back into Kiely though...a wonderful way to finish a birth.

7:10: As soon as I felt the urge to push. I went for it! No waiting! No Fetal Ejection Reflex...I didn't want to have any more contractions!!! (usually, I'm more patient and I recommend waiting...rushing it made me quite a bit more sore afterwards)

7:12pm She was here! IT"S A GIRL!!!

Almost there.
Trying to stay relaxed even though I wanted to escape my body at this point.
Any other mom who's been through birth can probably relate?

Oh, Sweet Love! We did it!

Talking to our new little girl...she wasn't breathing too well at first.
(Just a little gurgley)

Guess what?! It's a baby sister!!!
This time, I got to do the honors of being the first to check!

Meeting baby sister!

Amie and Zander!
Their FIRST home birth experience!
(This was after she was born...it just looks like I'm still preggo : )

Daddy and his little girl!

A little face time with my new Sweetheart!

Ben's first meeting...He was sleeping when
she arrived!

Proud Big brother